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Lying infuriates adults. The funny thing is, though, that it is the adults that often set the child up. It goes like this: Mum heard that Greg was seen throwing stones at another child: "Greg, what have you been up to this afternoon?" [What, you expect me to confess if you don't know?] "Like what? I haven't been doing anything", he says innocently and looked a bit confused. Were you throwing stones at the new girl?" [Maybe there's still hope I can pull this off.] "No.", he says out, loud looking shocked that you would even imagine such a thing. "Interesting, since Mavis said you did." "It had to be some other kid." [Why would she believe a neighbor over me?] "She seems pretty sure it was you." "She's wrong! It wasn't me!" Mum's first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she lets him off now she'll have to tell him how sorry she is. If she believes he's guilty, she will have to punish him both for lying and for throwing stones. Most children will lie to get out of trouble. Your job is to encourage them to tell the truth, not tempt them to lie more. That means that there must be some definite benefit for confessing, rather than trying to wriggle out of it. First you need to lay some foundations of truth and honesty in your home. Make sure that you, yourself, don't lie. Get into the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and truthfulness. Talk about the value of honesty, and a good reputation. Demonstrate that honesty is a Good Thing, and that it gets rewarded. Then, when you do suspect your children of some misdemeanor, stay calm. If you already know what they did, don't ask, "What did you do?" That's just tempting them unfairly. Tell them what you already know and what the consequences will be. You can also ask him to tell you the truth. Here is an example that won't giver him the option to lie about it: "Hi Greg, I was talking with Mavis this afternoon, and she told me about something that she saw. I would like to hear your version. Why don't you go away and think it over for 15 minutes. Don't forget how much we value honesty in our home." This gives Greg the chance to settle down and think about his problem. He can dig a deeper hole for himself, or he can tell his mum the truth. If he decides to take the honest route, be sure to praise him. If he sticks to the lie, then punish him both for lying and for the deed. When things quiet down, sit down with Greg and talk about what feelings may have led up to the incident. Maybe he was angry, envious, or insecure. Tell him that those feelings are natural and okay to feel, but that still doesn't excuse behaving badly. Be patient with him. He won't be willing to talk with you until he knows that you aren't' going to get excited and yell at him.
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Need some ideas for handling your children's behaviors? Why not take a look at Dr. Noel Swanson's expert parenting tips newsletter. His book, The GOOD CHILD Guide, is also highly recommended. Visit here for more parenting articles. This and other unique content parenting articles are available with free reprint rights.
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